Searching: For...

Wow, it's been six months since I last posted... not that there's anything unusual about that, it just seems that the months fly and the days drag.

I've finally graduated from BYU-Idaho this last December in Recreation Leadership and have begun my search for work over the past two months.  I moved to Logan, Utah due to its persistence among my thoughts the last month or so of my schooling, in addition to feeling good about the move.  I moved down on a Tuesday, found a place to live ($250/mth!) the first day and a bed to sleep on the second (a $1200-1500 value for only $180) and settled into a great ward where I quickly received a calling in Elder's Quorum.  My flatmate, Tyson, and I get along really well and have lots of good chats and good times.

The search for a job has been my main concern over the past month or so of living here.  Plenty of resumes, job searches, career fairs, visiting with employers, etc.  The only real prospect recently that bears any potential would be Zion Ponderosa Ranch down in St. George for the summer or working with the ropes course here at USU.  I'll take whatever job comes my way since I'm not exactly a rich man, though I hope for something I can find satisfaction, and possibly joy, doing.

I've also realized that I should make a more concerted effort to go on more dates that I have been, and to try and jump out of my social comfort zone a little more.  Easier said than done!  Recent experiences had me feeling frustrated and uninterested in even trying to communicate with any females, but I got over myself eventually and am trying to find some optimism to move forward with.

To be honest, I just want to build relationships with people who are fairly mature, genuine, happy, and who are actively seeking to live righteously.  Not too much to ask, is it?  I really miss having a good friend to trust in, rely on, and share anything and everything with.  Even though life is wonderful, I do miss the treasure, or rather, the simple joy that comes from those rare friendships.

When everyday is spent at home searching for jobs, writing resumes, contacting people, and other such activities, it gives you a lot of time in silence to think and think... and think.

Golden Reveries

Well, Spring Semester is gone and now we are going into the 7-week break. I am still living up in Rexburg at Bunkhouse due to once again feeling like I should stay there for the time being. Interestingly when I went to sing up for my 7-week contract I was going to sign for Fall as well but felt that I shouldn't, which left me with the question: Where should I be living in the Fall and why not Bunkhouse... or even more pertinent, why this other place? I felt impressed to try Nauvoo after riding in the car to Driggs for fireworks at the Jon Huntsman Resort. I came to find out that there is a waiting list of about 150 guys and not a lot of hope of getting a contract. But you know me, I don't give up when I feel directed to do something. So I talked to EVERYBODY I knew who had connections with Nauvoo and had them talk to other people who they knew. I eventually ended up tracting out the entire complex one day and gave my name and number out to a lot of guys. It was a fun experience and I met a lot of great people.

Now to the stuff that you really want to know about: the ladies. Boy oh boy, when will it all end. How do I lay this out simply... I became unintentionally interested in a girl who ended up getting engaged to a great guy. Then tried asking another amazing girl on a couple dates but really didn't feel any chemistry. Then I found out that another young lady who was kinda, maybe interested in me and took time to talk one-on-one with her a few times, still no chemistry and I kinda said I'd take her on a date in the fall which would be super fun cause she's fun and cute and great to talk to. Then I met this girl who I had some good conversations with but really don't feel like I should pursue that route any further. And then I got another girl's number and tried calling her, ended up sounding like a complete dufus on the phone and called at a bad time, not expecting to recover from that but I have to try again for the sake of giving it a decent chance. And throughout all of this I can't help compare each attempt-at-pursing-a-relationship with the one I had with Jacqueline. Now that is a story worth telling.

It started out as genuine and earnest conversation between her and I in the library while she was waiting to receive her mission call AND going on dates with tons of guys (okay, not THAT many). I remember asking for her number (she would interject here that she made me ask for her number and for the date, which I would both validate and contradict) and she said I couldn't ask her on a date then and there but I had to ask for it later in a proper manner. Then when I did end up calling her two or three days later she was dating a guy and had to decline. After a week (I think) we met in the library and were talking once again in the same manner as before. She had stopped "dating" the guy who interrupted the first attempt at a date. We talked about a lot of things: compatibility in relationships, dating, relationships in general, and being able to make it work between two good, faithful people. Then came the good part: the two of us was given as the example of two people making it work, and the other said "Ya, we could." Then we both kind of did a sort of verbal double-take "Wait, you mean that?" "Ya, why not?" "Okay, let's do it." "Ya, let's do it!" And it has thus far been the greatest ride of my life so far.

I had never cared so selflessly for the well-being of another person in my entire life. Each day I became more and more desirous to assist the other in achieving as much good as possible. My heart and mind were drawn towards that purpose and in the process was drained beyond my infinitesimal abilities and refilled with a capacity far beyond my own. I had a small glimpse, a brief taste, of the better life. It was soooooooo difficult during those weeks, each day of which literally seemed like a year to me, but was so enriching and rewarding. I go back to those memories often, with a small tinge of sadness that my feelings as they once were are now hedged up in a manner that I did not think could be possible. But I trust in my Father and will not stop following His will. In time. Just go to work and serve others.

I look forward with hope that I will one day experience a joy and fulfillment beyond imagining from a relationship meant to last for all eternity. Like that of George Padley and Sarah Franks.

Here again...

Well, here I am in Rexburg during another spring semester off-track. I once again felt like I needed to be up here despite there being some obvious reasons to stay home in Oregon (family, free rent, easier to get a job, etc.) I don't regret, however, following the impression to remain here for the spring.

So far this semester I have managed to catch up on sleep, relax a little, and settle into my place at Bunkhouse. My roommates are pretty much the most amazing people in the world. I couldn't have asked for a better apartment for this summer. I also accepted the invitation to be an Outdoor Activities Coordinator for rock climbing and slack lining, which has been fun so far. And my calling in the ward is Elders Quorum Activities... guy. Both of these things have got my brain wondering over the future possibilities because I've really been pondering over my future career choices.

Recently I have looked closely into being a Physician Assistant, Physical Therapist, or some sort of Counselor. As I looked into these possibilities I really came to believe that I can really do anything that I put my heart and mind to, nothing is outside the combined efforts of the Lord and myself. Being honest with myself, however, I really see that the outdoor adventure education setting really does make me happy. Outdoor environments where people can open up, have fun, unwind, learn, grow, and make memorable experiences with meaningful people. I love the mixture of education, leadership, recreation, and counseling that make up the experiences that my work provides. My only concern is supporting my future family financially in a secure manner. I really just want to do what's best for my family and not just for my own personal satisfaction, though I understand that a balance of the two is optimum. As for now, it will be something that I will ponder upon over the summer and seek to plan out the best I can.

I really enjoy our FHE sisters as well, they are all very charming young ladies and know how to have a fun time. This past monday we played signs and a game with circus peanuts. We all laughed a lot, but not quite as much as Amy, our FHE mom. It is soooo fun to get her laughing because she can't stop and sometimes has to leave the room to regain composure. We all love it so much.

Oh, and I deactivated my Facebook account again, which feels so good. Last time I did it was about a month before I helped put on the Raise the Roof charity event and I had to activate my account for marketing purposes. I'm just glad it's gone again. My sister, Jennie, just texted me the other day and said that she decided to deactivate hers as well, though I don't think she has experienced the full beauty of the choice just yet. Mandy, my other sister, turned hers off a long time ago and hasn't regretted it. Now, I know Facebook isn't inherently bad, I'm just saying that for me, it is something that I do better without than with.

I hope I write in my journal more this summer, I'll definitely have the time, I just hope I find the motivation. Well, good night, sleep well, most likely kill you in the morning.

Homework Strike

Apparently I'm on a homework strike since about 6pm last night. I have so much to do but I've been taking the time to get enough rest, visit with people here and there, and learn about photo editing with Adobe Lightroom. Oh, and I almost forgot about last night! It was so epic. Let me tell you about it...

So, after Emily Thompson's senior recital last night J.P. and I were taking photos and video in the parking lot of us sliding around on the ever-building layer of snow on the ground (I'm uploading them right now to my YouTube page). After that we decided to head out with our cars and do the same thing over at the Rex (or AFEC or Fat Cats or whatever name they'll change it to next). We slid around for about an hour pulling e-brakes, spinning cookies, and even doing some synchronized sliding. I am proud to say that each of us only got stuck once. Not too shabby for balding tires. The rest of the night, back at the apartment, Craig (my roomie) stayed up until 2am talking about different things: girls, food, and probably other things too but those are the only two I remember.

Well, I should actually do my homework now. I say that, but I think I'll be tinkering with my videos for a little while.

Phew...

I love the feeling of reaching the peak of a great climb. The ones in life where you just push onward, knowing that its worth it despite the moments of misery, discouragement, and exhaustion. I'm soooo glad this semester is done academically soon. I stopped learning a few weeks ago and have turned into a HPP (Homework Production Plant).

Well, I'm looking forward to a few things...

1) My family will be getting back from a cruise down to Belize. It will be great to hear all their stories and see all the pictures. Dad is way excited to go scuba diving like back in his younger days, as are my mom and sister since they took the scuba class. I think it would've been fun to go since our family has never really gone on many vacations, much less anything like a cruise. Maybe one day I will...

2) Skiing!! It's been two years since I introduced myself to skiing at Targhee and I fell in love. I think it was my second hobby that I discovered, ballroom dancing being first, and I'm pretty happy with my choice. I almost can't believe I spent the money on a season pass, but I'm sure that it'll pay off as something to do just for me (something I apparently have difficulty doing).

3)I'm thinking about making a big purchase, but not sure about whether the investment will really pan out over time. I've been considering getting a Canon EOS Rebel T2i w/ 2 lenses. I'd really like to pick up photography again. The last time I was really into it was in high school when I did a b&w college course where we developed our own film and photos which was such a cool process to be involved in. I loved using my dad's old 35mm Canon from ancient times. He used to go all over and take photos so I feel like I'm continuing a tradition as well by taking up this as a hobby. My dad is great. I appreciate him so much. He's been a great example to me about choosing who you want to be for your own reasons. I bet that group Above The Influence would love to have him as their mascot. Oh, the camera. After the rebates and special offers I would be looking at $850 for the camera body, a 18-55mm lens and a 55-250mm lens. I want to sell my current point-and-shoot camera for $150 though and ask Jennie if she'd like to pitch in a little as a Christmas present so maybe another $100. That would be $600 all told for a camera that would usually be $1200. I've done my research and talked to informed friends, now its just time to let it mull over in the brain and see how I feel about it over the next couple weeks. I'd also like to take the digital photography course that Bro. Lewis teaches, I hope its available next semester.

Well, here I sit awake at 1 in the morning once again. Listening to music. Talking to myself. Not a bad evening at all.

Never too many beginnings

Once more I have started to write down the thoughts in my head and the things in my life. I always start off with one entry and end up with nothing more. I'm okay with that because I persist and always keep trying because I love the to write. It feels like I'm painting me on paper without any colors. Just symbols that hardly do justice in representing who a person really is.

So what prompted me to begin my 'journaling' again? Well, I'll tell you. It was getting lost in someone elses writings. I began reading them out of my natural curiosity, but I continued out of the simple yet profound joy that I experienced from it. I couldn't help but be transported to glimpses of her life as she gave details that made parts of who she is come to life. It was a uniquely satisfying experience.

So here I am, beginning again on my quest to write about my life. I am in my senior year of college, though I'm off-track, doing the best I can with what I have. I don't know everything that I want, and don't want some of the things I have. But I learned a long time ago that I will be better off doing what the Lord directs than what I want. The peace that is brought from that one truth is priceless.

I'm currently trying to begin to learn the guitar. I find my guitar to be like a fickle woman. Never eager to work with me and is making me pay for every step won towards victory. I sometimes wonder if, unbeknownst to me, I was actually born into this world without something that everybody else has that allows them to play the guitar. Like a muggle in a world of wizards. Music is magic to me.

I'm also not sure why I'm in Rexburg, other than the Lord told me this is where I needed to be for the summer. This was one of those times I was more than happy to comply with His directions, as any sane person would be who knew of Rexburg's wonderful nature. So here I am, taking my WFR (Wilderness First Responder) certification, waiting for my National Guard annual training to hit, and trying to just be the best person that I can be.

I'm trying to avoid distractions. The Lord has made clear to me in a couple ways that that should be a goal of mine. And so I have made it so. Anything from playing my roommates Xbox to needlessly worrying over details of my life like "Who will I marry, and when?" I'm trying to focus on things that lie within my sphere to act upon. This last devotional was a wonderful milestone in this area particular facet of my life. I felt strongly impressed to come home and write out meaningful goals and create a purposeful daily/weekly schedule. So I came home and did it! (Nephi, you inspire me). I can't tell you how much it has impacted me over just the past three days. I feel more... well, more. It's like what Paul said about seeing through a cloudy glass at first and then seeing clearly (well he said something like that, Tevia wouldn't complain if I didn't get it right on the dot so I won't). I look forward to shedding off distractions and needless burdens by focusing on using my agency as well as I possibly can with the Lord's tender help. I am nothing without Him. He continually makes me into more than I could ever become on my own. How thankful I am to be who I am and to know what I do.